Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
