My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
