Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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