You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
