apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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