last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
