Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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