Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
