good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
