I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Two words: blizzard sex
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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