have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
