She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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