I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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