i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
