He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
