I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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