I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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