Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
