So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
