I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Enjoy the penises
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
