My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
