You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
