Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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