Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
