I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
