Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Redeem this text for a blowjob
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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