I wish my penis had an off switch
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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