whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
