I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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