dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
