If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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