I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
