you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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