I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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