this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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