I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
