i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
