Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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