On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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