I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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