Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
