just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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