he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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