ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
