miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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