i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
