when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
