The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
