i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
