i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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