I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
