So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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