Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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