my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
